ADD A RIDDLE, WRAPPED INSIDE AN IGNMA, PRESENTED IN THE FORM OF AN ILLUSION

Well I wasn’t sure where to go with this article but in the past few posts I’ve sort of wandered off the main purpose for this blog (talk about life with ADD) so I’m going to talk a little about how the diagnosis has shed some light on why I’ve traveled the road that I have. One of the mysteries its solved especially pertains to my education.

I’ve been told that less than 20% of people with ADD ever graduate high school, let alone college. So I feel extremely fortunate to have graduated from both. Still school wasn’t easy for me. Learning that I have this condition has helped shed light on why I always had to work so much harder than my fellow classmates to get the same grades. It helps reaffirm to me that I am not dumb, lazy or stupid. Granted by college, I didn’t believe I was stupid, but I did believe that most everyone around me had vastly superior intelligence. Especially at Ohio Northern, where the average ACT score for most was 25-26, (mine was 21). In a world of 1.5 gigahertz processors, I felt like mine was 512 megahertz. I could do anything else they could do, it just took me much longer to get there.

One of the things my parents and I could never figure out, was why I could do so well in social studies, history, and biology, but be horrendously bad in math. My mother was a Jr. High math teacher for many years and is so good at it, she taught herself computer programming. I can’t tell you how hard she tried to help me, how many stress filled nights we spent at the kitchen table sweating out math homework. I can’t begin to describe how aggravated and frustrated she was with me when it came to math. Its not her fault and it was only natural. But this mystery was perplexing. Clearly I wasn’t stupid, how else could you explain my good grades in everything else. But at more than one point, she felt I was being undisciplined and I felt I was just stupid. But again, I don’t think it was my parents fault that it wasn’t caught sooner. The prevailing thought about ADD at the time was that it presented itself in the form of misbehavior and horrendously bad grades. While I had some issues, I was never bad enough to throw-up a flag in anyone’s mind. I rarely acted-out in school, wasn’t running around with junkies outside of school, and was in most respects a well adjusted child.

I do remember a tear filled conversation Mom had with me, when I briefly went back to college to peruse a second degree in biomedical electronics. Two weeks into a level one trigonometry course, Mom spent three hours trying to help me grasp the basic concepts. With tears in her eyes, she had to tell me, “Mike I’m sorry but since you’re struggling so badly with this stuff, you need to reconsider doing this. If you were my student, I’d have to say you probably aren’t cut out for this major. It only gets far more complicated from here. And it hurts me badly to have to tell you that”.

Even in the subjects I was good at, I had to work so hard. What took most students minutes to grasp, took me hours and days. How I even got through college, let alone managed to eek out modest success, is a mystery to me knowing what I know now. But it does explain why my GPA was so herky-jerky or erratic. Always the same cycle, I’d do extremely well one quarter only to barely scrape-by the next. When I did well, it was because I worked so intensely hard, that I had nothing left to give the following quarter. All are very typical of someone with ADD. Furthermore, I did best when I had a very heavy course load. It forced me to micromanage my time and multiple subjects helped stimulate my interests and not allow me to become bored and lethargic. If I was only taking the minimum twelve credit hours, it was very easy to procrastinate. Since I only had a few subjects, there wasn’t enough variety to keep my interest. Usually the reason I was taking a light course load, was that I was taking a difficult math or science course and didn’t want to further add to my stress. Knowing what I do now, I realize that this logic only added to my stress actually.

It also has helped me make sense of why my study methods were always so unorthodox. Look at some of my previous posts if you want to know more. But one thing that occurred to me, was why I could never study in the dorms or my apartment. If I had serious studying to do, I went to the library, or found an empty classroom in the political science building. There was too much noise in the dorms and it not only prevented me from studying, but also made me very irritable. Mouse farts can startle me and make me jump 50 feet in the air. When I got my own apartment to get away from this, there were too many distractions and time draining temptations to allow for effective studying.

ADD has also helped shed light on why I’ve had the job history that I have. In the past I’d get bored with the job after six months, and because I was daydreaming, I’d suddenly become very mistake prone which lead to overall poor performance and put me on bad standing with my employer. Granted because of poor social skills and a short-fused, super intense temper, I had usually fallen out of favor with them long ago. Now, I know to find ways to stay motivated and interested and self awareness has helped me get my temper in check. I still struggle with social skills, but I’m getting there. I’ve been very fortunate with my current employer because the last two managers I’ve had, have been very receptive and responsive to my needs. I applaud both of them in fact for being very open minded. I simply went to them and said “I have ADD this is something I was diagnosed with 6 months ago. Its not an excuse, and I don’t want the standards or expectations lowered for me. But can you help me with developing more positive relationships with my co-workers ? Its typical of people with ADD to struggle with these issues”. Both of them are extremely strong in this area and have been able to help me grow and improve. I feel very lucky to have managers who’ve been so supportive. Some co-workers have even commented that they’ve notices a big change.

Learning about my condition has helped me understand why I struggle when it comes to basic life skills. Its typical of us, to put off paying bills until we get the disconnect notice from the power or gas company even if we have the money to pay. Explain the impulsiveness when it comes to making big purchases that we can’t actually afford. And like before, with self awareness comes self improvement. My apartment is 50 times cleaner now than it once was, you’ll see note pads, pens, and calculators stationed in several strategic places to help me stay organized, and post-it notes everywhere. My computer, cell phone, and stove timers chime repeatedly throughout the day to remind me about one thing or another. I also use two alarm clocks and if I need to get-up especially early for something especially important, I’ll improvise four.

I think most of all, knowing and understanding about my condition, has allowed me to be more comfortable being me. I know that I need to continue to improve in the areas where I am weak. However, I no longer feel like I’m dumb, stupid or lazy. I can accept that I’m prone to struggle when it comes to certain things and seek to get better, without feeling bad about it. I’m more comfortable with being me and wearing my own skin.

Okay, enough for now. Until next time, this is the RedHeaded Rambler, signing off.