25 December 2009
ADD and Church Don't mix so well
First I want to thank everyone who has visited my site in the last few days, over 40 visits in two days !! If you’re new welcome, be sure to check out my About Me section and my archives. This whole Christmas deal combined with some other things, has given me enough material to put a near continuous flow of articles on a variety of topics and I’ll only be limited by the constraints of time.
Gonna start tonight with something light hearted, then follow it up with something deep latter in the day, then more in the next few days ahead.
Very fortunate to have time to visit home over the holidays and visit my parents. Always a joy, and having that opportunity is always cherished.
Something I usually get very loathingly, roped into doing when home over the holidays is go to church. It makes sense to me now, why I don’t like going. Has nothing to do with feelings about faith or merit or what have you. In fact I am proud of my Christian Lutheran Faith and any attempt to analyze my great distaste for this tradition based on personal beliefs would prove inconclusive.
Its far simpler. I HATE crowds. I HATE THEM !! Nothing like 200 people packed shoulder to shoulder on wooden benches while little kids scream, and young men fidget, bells chime, speakers hiss, wireless microphones giving off their soothing shriek of feedback, to put my brain in system overload. “Warning Mighty Mike Warning Mighty Mike multiple threats in sight, proceed to Threat Con 5 eeerrr WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT SCREAM ABOUT ? Is there a rabid wolverine gnawing off someone’s foot ? Redirect Proceed to Threat Con 9er 9er Fife and Oh flipping kid just upset because he lost a crayon. I hope Santa takes a shit in his stocking tonight !! Maybe I should show him the picture of the deer I shot last year and tell him it was Rudolf the Reindeer That’ll help give that future ward of the state penitentiary some perspective !!! WARNING LOUD SCREECH DETECTED Proceed to Threat Con Fife and Disregard false alarm”. I was reading about the biology/physiology of this the other day in fact. For someone with ADD, the executive nerve center doesn’t function properly. Think of it this way. You have a clerk working the front desk of a hotel. For someone without ADD, people filter in and out with various requests in an orderly manner. But for someone with ADD, its as if they turn around and there are 400 people at the desk all taking to him at once. In this situation one of two things will happen. The clerk will crack under the stress and lash out at the people or he’ll run into the back office and hide. That’s what ADD is like especially in crowds.
There’s a couple of ADD facts about my life that made me laugh while there. First as you can tell from my picture, I’m easily recognizable and even wearing a cap in certain situations will simply make me stand out in a crowd even more. Unless you are someone I talk to regularly, it would be a mistake to assume that just because you know or recognize me that I know and or recognize you. I feel bad about it, really I do, but still it is somewhat funny. Long ago I learned it was just easier to fake as if I knew these well meaning people who introduce themselves to me, rather than embarrass myself or them by actually asking who they are. I’ve really got the whole routine down. Smile say something innocuous, “Its good to see you too. How’s it going ? Ready for Christmas ?”, then quickly find a way to vacate the immediate area, “Good, that’s great hear!! Nice seeing you, Looks like my mother is ready to leave. Take care ! Gotta go help Dad load the car, be safe !!!”. Quickly vacating is the key because I can’t actually lie, and if I stay and risk a more in-depth conversation it will become obvious that I have no clue who they are. Must have had a dozen such conversations tonight/last night and of those I only actually recognized two people, three at the most. Sorry names I’m bad with, and I left the next nearly 11-12 years ago and haven’t been back except to visit since.
Also since I don’t get back very much, its evident to me that I haven’t aged or there is a break in people’s time reference when it comes to their memories of me. This is especially true of my parent’s friends and school teachers. I know this because while visiting home 2-3 times this past month for holiday obligations, I’ve been asked repeatedly the one question that always makes me laugh. That question is “So are you still in The Service ?”. Its so funny because I got out nearly 7 years ago !! Let me check, yeah I was 23 when I got out, and I’m 30 now, so yeah seven years. More than five years ago I competed my inactive reserve obligation too. Dam I’m getting old !!
Back to the service, despite only being an infrequent participant in church services anymore, seems like you just don’t loose the memories of the dialogue for the liturgy you repeated every single Sunday from birth to age 18, or at least not easily. Several times throughout the service I caught myself keeping up with it without realizing I was on the wrong page or had forgotten to open the hymnal. Now that isn’t necessarily a good thing, because I nearly chocked while we were reciting the Niacin Creed only to realize some joker had changed certain phrases to more “modern language”. “With the Father and the Son He is worsiPRased and gloriREspected. He’s What the bank ?” were the exact works.
Went to get a drink of water, only to find some kid screwing around essentially giving himself a shower at the fountain. “I have sores in my mouth !!” he loudly stated, despite me not having asked. To which I replied, “Ooohhhkay then, I think I’ll use the drinking fountain downstairs. Merry Christmas, great to talk to you, gotta go !”. I was also thinking “BOY I wish Dad hadn’t volunteered me to assist with administering Holy Communion”. I know I looked like an asshole for using hand sanitizer while standing in front of the entire congregation after handing out communion wafers for thirty minutes, but can’t say I feel too apologetic given the information I learned earlier.
However, I know they didn’t know this fact. Which is part of the reason I used Mikey’s second favorite technique for avoiding talking to people while in a crowd when it was time to leave. Simply put your head down with a look of intense concentration on your face, and walk like you have to seriously use the restroom, and move to the exit with a sense of purpose !! Well what do you know its already 4am and the dog is whimpering to be let out ! GREAT TALKING TO YA Gotta go !!
The RedHeaded Ramber Signing out until next time.
21 December 2009
An introspective on an ADD Moment
Introspective on actions taken
Always remember the disclaimer listed in my “About Me” section.
Funny story, upon finally getting my word processor set-up to write this article, I was momentarily interrupted by my stove timer. It took me nearly 10 minutes to realize why I had set it in the first place !!!
Religion and politics, oh what a potent combination. More combustible than saw-dust and gas, or a bottle of nitroglycerin on the dashboard of a bumper car. Wars have been fought countless times when the two are combined. Friends of mine work at a company that actually bans having discussions about them in the employee handbook !!
By and large, I’ve been reluctant to discuss them at the same time, for one simple reason. I want to develop a readership following and discussing them, is the quickest and surest way to isolate people. Also I don’t want to wander too far away from my initial purpose for starting this blog . To help shed light on mental illness and share my own story, in hopes of reassuring others, that they are not alone. I want to beat back the stereo types people too often associate with mental illness. I was inspired by a program run by the wonderful people of NAMI called StigmaBusters and wanted to contribute to their cause in my own way. The link which will now be listed in my helpful links. For us fellow ADD sufferers here it is right now: http://www.nami.org/template.cfm?section=fight_stigma.
Are you back ? Good because I momentarily lost my train of thought anyhow. Oh there it is, here’s where things get a tad sticky and what was on my mind when I wrote the part of my disclaimer stating “There is no way to tell my story without wading into what campaigners call ‘Hot Button’ issues”. There is a reason I know that term, I spent a good deal of my younger adult life working as a right-wing-partisan-political-hack. Between the ages of 19-24, there wasn’t a Republican election campaign too big or too small for me to jump on. One needs only dredge-up a year book for one of the universities I attended to know that at one point, I headed-up a College Republican organization. This is a matter of public record. But don’t worry, I’m not a ultra conservative right winger anymore. While my voter registration might still list my party affiliation as Republican, I don’t openly associate myself with the party anymore. The reasons are long so more on that some other day.
But I will share these two stories. First, as I was pondering how to put this article together on my drive into work, I had to laugh. As a political science major, I once had an esteemed member of the Franklin County Republican party tell me, “The thing is, these young kids go into college super conservative, but come out ultra liberal”. To which I adamantly replied “Don’t worry sir, that won’t happen with me”. Well I was right in one respect, I didn’t leave ultra liberal, but I did leave being much more of a moderate. Its pretty simple reason though. In political science, we learned how to read critically and to weigh the merits and drawbacks of each view point. I left understanding that things are much more complicated than they might seem to be and to have respect for the ideas and opinions of even those whom I don’t agree with. The world is full of grey, and few things are black or white.
It didn’t help that while working phones on more than one campaign, I fielded one too many calls at 2pm on a Wednesday from one too many highly intoxicated constituents that started off with “Did you hear Rush Limbaugh said today ?”. It took an immense amount of mental fortitude to not scream into the phone “No you a-hole I didn’t. Do you know why I didn’t ? Because I was too busy WORKING !! And I wouldn’t listen to him even if I did have the time. Do you know why ? Because I have too many more important things to do in the middle of a work week than start drinking at 10am and listen to talk radio !!!”.
Where’s this rambling stream of thoughts going and how does it tie into life with ADD. Simple, earlier yesterday I made a bit of an ass of myself after reading some things posted on Facebook and an old acquaintance’s blog. Nothing major or life changing, just acted on impulse and came off a little more roughly than I would have liked. ADD is not an excuse, it’s a condition. Still I found the circumstances under which I made that mistake interesting. Like a lot of people with ADD, I take stimulant medication as well as an antidepressant. I usually don’t take it until just before I hop into the shower to prepare for work, so that it will be in full effect by the time I get there and last for my entire shift. Also like most, it takes me a hell of a time to get up, and about 90 minutes to fully wake-up once I’m out of the bed. I am irritable during this time and frequently like to play a game of “Lets pick a fight over nothing” which I‘ve also learned is typical of people with the condition. Why ? Because something is wrong with the frontal lobe of my brain and adrenalin helps stimulate it. A primal survival instinct if you will. So when I read some of the things that this person said, it legitimately hit a nerve with me, and I roughly responded with a half thought out reply which made me look like an idiot. After going for a nice brisk walk, my frontal lobe was functioning more efficiently and I issued the following apology. Its been edited because it was part of an apology letter and I don’t want the recipient to think I was insincere and merely plugging my own blog.
Keep in mind it was in response to an article about the Ohio State Legislature being called into session over Christmas. Here it is.
I would like to take this opportunity to better explain why some of the things you expressed in your last article hit a nerve with me.
For starters, I am no stranger to legislative budget battles. Between 2000-2001, I had a first row seat to a lot of them, as an Ohio Senate Paige. I started off working for then President Protempora Senator Robert Cupp (now Ohio Supreme Court Justice Cupp). He carried much of the legislation for education finance reform. When term limits forced him to leave, I floated around working for the Clerk’s office, the Republican Caucus, Chairman of the Finance committee, and Bob Gardner who chaired the Education Committee. I could tell you a lot of war stories in regards to things I saw, but this would turn into twenty pages. While my own story is much more complicated than that, a lot of what I saw there played no small part in my decision to leave politics and the military for that matter. See the article from my own blog: http://theredheadedrambler.blogspot.com/2009/11/why-i-started-this-blog.html. if you care to know more. Sufficient to say, I’m not blowing smoke when I say, I know how rough and stressful this process can be on the staff. My heart goes out to some of my friends who are still around such as Matt Schuler, Ray DiRossi, and Mr. Berrara.
Still the fact remains that the staff and the legislators by an large enjoy a much higher standard of living that a lot of Ohioans do this year. No doubt its changed since then, but at the time I left the Ohio Senate, the base pay for an Ohio Senator was $40,000 plus benefits. You earned more based on what committees you served on, and still more for holding Chairmanships and leadership positions plus benefits. I think I saw where one legislator was making upwards of $80,000. Not bad for a part time job. Furthermore, most had full time employment or businesses in addition to this, such as private law practices and gas station chains. The pay for full time staff ranged from $35,000 on up and they get comp time for working over 40 hours. While not every lobbyist earns seven figure salaries like Niel Clark, few are having to count their pennies to buy lunch either. At a time where unemployment in Ohio is at 10.6% and this whole phenomena of “under-employment” is becoming more prevalent, you can understand why I don’t exactly loose sleep at night knowing these people will be working on Christmas. Long after Santa has made his rounds, I’ll still be on the clock too.
The reason I left the Senate was to answer the call to Active Duty, and while I wasn’t overseas, still I was standing the line on Christmas. It was the first Christmas I ever spent away from home, and when I got off duty, it was one of the most intoxicated nights I can remember. Hearing stories from fellow soldiers and veterans who have been overseas on Christmas, I can only imagine how much harder it is on them and their families. The harsh and depressing reality of the matter is that young American men and women will be injured and die in service to our country that day, small children will become orphans, young women will become widows. These are the realities and perspectives one looses when they spend too much time inside hwy 270 and when you let your life revolve around what happens in Cap Square too much. I know, I too have made that mistake.
Most importantly, I want to better elaborate on why I have such issues with the following statements make in your article. “For me & for many Christians there is no day on the calendar more sacred than Christmas Day“. First let me start by saying that I can somewhat understand your perspective as you are of the Catholic Faith, whereas I am of the Lutheran Faith. While the two churches are united in their belief in Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, and within the last ten years, policies of the two have changed such that we can share the Sacrament of Holy Communion together, still there are some fundamental differences between the two. Chief among them being that the Roman Catholic Church holds that the Virgin Mary is Devine or almost Devine, I don’t fully understand it exactly, but I do know it is significant in your faith. So I can see where Christmas might be more sacred to you, than it is to those of my own faith.
Still to call it the “most sacred” of holidays, is to totally miss the whole point of Christianity. The Lutheran Church’s doctrine can be summed up in the Bible verse that struck hard into the hard of our founder Martin Luther. Ephesians 2:8: “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And that is not of your own doing, but is the true gift of God”. I think I can best sum up my strong feelings by quoting another article from my
blog: http://theredheadedrambler.blogspot.com/2009/11/why-this-christian-likes-thanksgiving.html
“Yes the Christmas story is important, but ultimately Christ’s visit to Earth would just be another hash mark in the time-line of human history had it not been for his death and resurrection on that tree in Calgary, which gave us the gift of eternal life. That is the ultimate gift of love and sacrifice. It is ultimately why Christmas has meaning.
To all my friends and readers I wish you a safe and happy holiday season. I hope you all get a chance to break bread with family and friends during this time. May the hope of joy and peace, which is the true spirit of the occasion, find you this year and the next one“.
RedHeaded Rambler signing off
Always remember the disclaimer listed in my “About Me” section.
Funny story, upon finally getting my word processor set-up to write this article, I was momentarily interrupted by my stove timer. It took me nearly 10 minutes to realize why I had set it in the first place !!!
Religion and politics, oh what a potent combination. More combustible than saw-dust and gas, or a bottle of nitroglycerin on the dashboard of a bumper car. Wars have been fought countless times when the two are combined. Friends of mine work at a company that actually bans having discussions about them in the employee handbook !!
By and large, I’ve been reluctant to discuss them at the same time, for one simple reason. I want to develop a readership following and discussing them, is the quickest and surest way to isolate people. Also I don’t want to wander too far away from my initial purpose for starting this blog . To help shed light on mental illness and share my own story, in hopes of reassuring others, that they are not alone. I want to beat back the stereo types people too often associate with mental illness. I was inspired by a program run by the wonderful people of NAMI called StigmaBusters and wanted to contribute to their cause in my own way. The link which will now be listed in my helpful links. For us fellow ADD sufferers here it is right now: http://www.nami.org/template.cfm?section=fight_stigma.
Are you back ? Good because I momentarily lost my train of thought anyhow. Oh there it is, here’s where things get a tad sticky and what was on my mind when I wrote the part of my disclaimer stating “There is no way to tell my story without wading into what campaigners call ‘Hot Button’ issues”. There is a reason I know that term, I spent a good deal of my younger adult life working as a right-wing-partisan-political-hack. Between the ages of 19-24, there wasn’t a Republican election campaign too big or too small for me to jump on. One needs only dredge-up a year book for one of the universities I attended to know that at one point, I headed-up a College Republican organization. This is a matter of public record. But don’t worry, I’m not a ultra conservative right winger anymore. While my voter registration might still list my party affiliation as Republican, I don’t openly associate myself with the party anymore. The reasons are long so more on that some other day.
But I will share these two stories. First, as I was pondering how to put this article together on my drive into work, I had to laugh. As a political science major, I once had an esteemed member of the Franklin County Republican party tell me, “The thing is, these young kids go into college super conservative, but come out ultra liberal”. To which I adamantly replied “Don’t worry sir, that won’t happen with me”. Well I was right in one respect, I didn’t leave ultra liberal, but I did leave being much more of a moderate. Its pretty simple reason though. In political science, we learned how to read critically and to weigh the merits and drawbacks of each view point. I left understanding that things are much more complicated than they might seem to be and to have respect for the ideas and opinions of even those whom I don’t agree with. The world is full of grey, and few things are black or white.
It didn’t help that while working phones on more than one campaign, I fielded one too many calls at 2pm on a Wednesday from one too many highly intoxicated constituents that started off with “Did you hear Rush Limbaugh said today ?”. It took an immense amount of mental fortitude to not scream into the phone “No you a-hole I didn’t. Do you know why I didn’t ? Because I was too busy WORKING !! And I wouldn’t listen to him even if I did have the time. Do you know why ? Because I have too many more important things to do in the middle of a work week than start drinking at 10am and listen to talk radio !!!”.
Where’s this rambling stream of thoughts going and how does it tie into life with ADD. Simple, earlier yesterday I made a bit of an ass of myself after reading some things posted on Facebook and an old acquaintance’s blog. Nothing major or life changing, just acted on impulse and came off a little more roughly than I would have liked. ADD is not an excuse, it’s a condition. Still I found the circumstances under which I made that mistake interesting. Like a lot of people with ADD, I take stimulant medication as well as an antidepressant. I usually don’t take it until just before I hop into the shower to prepare for work, so that it will be in full effect by the time I get there and last for my entire shift. Also like most, it takes me a hell of a time to get up, and about 90 minutes to fully wake-up once I’m out of the bed. I am irritable during this time and frequently like to play a game of “Lets pick a fight over nothing” which I‘ve also learned is typical of people with the condition. Why ? Because something is wrong with the frontal lobe of my brain and adrenalin helps stimulate it. A primal survival instinct if you will. So when I read some of the things that this person said, it legitimately hit a nerve with me, and I roughly responded with a half thought out reply which made me look like an idiot. After going for a nice brisk walk, my frontal lobe was functioning more efficiently and I issued the following apology. Its been edited because it was part of an apology letter and I don’t want the recipient to think I was insincere and merely plugging my own blog.
Keep in mind it was in response to an article about the Ohio State Legislature being called into session over Christmas. Here it is.
I would like to take this opportunity to better explain why some of the things you expressed in your last article hit a nerve with me.
For starters, I am no stranger to legislative budget battles. Between 2000-2001, I had a first row seat to a lot of them, as an Ohio Senate Paige. I started off working for then President Protempora Senator Robert Cupp (now Ohio Supreme Court Justice Cupp). He carried much of the legislation for education finance reform. When term limits forced him to leave, I floated around working for the Clerk’s office, the Republican Caucus, Chairman of the Finance committee, and Bob Gardner who chaired the Education Committee. I could tell you a lot of war stories in regards to things I saw, but this would turn into twenty pages. While my own story is much more complicated than that, a lot of what I saw there played no small part in my decision to leave politics and the military for that matter. See the article from my own blog: http://theredheadedrambler.blogspot.com/2009/11/why-i-started-this-blog.html. if you care to know more. Sufficient to say, I’m not blowing smoke when I say, I know how rough and stressful this process can be on the staff. My heart goes out to some of my friends who are still around such as Matt Schuler, Ray DiRossi, and Mr. Berrara.
Still the fact remains that the staff and the legislators by an large enjoy a much higher standard of living that a lot of Ohioans do this year. No doubt its changed since then, but at the time I left the Ohio Senate, the base pay for an Ohio Senator was $40,000 plus benefits. You earned more based on what committees you served on, and still more for holding Chairmanships and leadership positions plus benefits. I think I saw where one legislator was making upwards of $80,000. Not bad for a part time job. Furthermore, most had full time employment or businesses in addition to this, such as private law practices and gas station chains. The pay for full time staff ranged from $35,000 on up and they get comp time for working over 40 hours. While not every lobbyist earns seven figure salaries like Niel Clark, few are having to count their pennies to buy lunch either. At a time where unemployment in Ohio is at 10.6% and this whole phenomena of “under-employment” is becoming more prevalent, you can understand why I don’t exactly loose sleep at night knowing these people will be working on Christmas. Long after Santa has made his rounds, I’ll still be on the clock too.
The reason I left the Senate was to answer the call to Active Duty, and while I wasn’t overseas, still I was standing the line on Christmas. It was the first Christmas I ever spent away from home, and when I got off duty, it was one of the most intoxicated nights I can remember. Hearing stories from fellow soldiers and veterans who have been overseas on Christmas, I can only imagine how much harder it is on them and their families. The harsh and depressing reality of the matter is that young American men and women will be injured and die in service to our country that day, small children will become orphans, young women will become widows. These are the realities and perspectives one looses when they spend too much time inside hwy 270 and when you let your life revolve around what happens in Cap Square too much. I know, I too have made that mistake.
Most importantly, I want to better elaborate on why I have such issues with the following statements make in your article. “For me & for many Christians there is no day on the calendar more sacred than Christmas Day“. First let me start by saying that I can somewhat understand your perspective as you are of the Catholic Faith, whereas I am of the Lutheran Faith. While the two churches are united in their belief in Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, and within the last ten years, policies of the two have changed such that we can share the Sacrament of Holy Communion together, still there are some fundamental differences between the two. Chief among them being that the Roman Catholic Church holds that the Virgin Mary is Devine or almost Devine, I don’t fully understand it exactly, but I do know it is significant in your faith. So I can see where Christmas might be more sacred to you, than it is to those of my own faith.
Still to call it the “most sacred” of holidays, is to totally miss the whole point of Christianity. The Lutheran Church’s doctrine can be summed up in the Bible verse that struck hard into the hard of our founder Martin Luther. Ephesians 2:8: “For by grace you have been saved through faith. And that is not of your own doing, but is the true gift of God”. I think I can best sum up my strong feelings by quoting another article from my
blog: http://theredheadedrambler.blogspot.com/2009/11/why-this-christian-likes-thanksgiving.html
“Yes the Christmas story is important, but ultimately Christ’s visit to Earth would just be another hash mark in the time-line of human history had it not been for his death and resurrection on that tree in Calgary, which gave us the gift of eternal life. That is the ultimate gift of love and sacrifice. It is ultimately why Christmas has meaning.
To all my friends and readers I wish you a safe and happy holiday season. I hope you all get a chance to break bread with family and friends during this time. May the hope of joy and peace, which is the true spirit of the occasion, find you this year and the next one“.
RedHeaded Rambler signing off
19 December 2009
ADD A RIDDLE, WRAPPED INSIDE AN IGNMA, PRESENTED IN THE FORM OF AN ILLUSION
Well I wasn’t sure where to go with this article but in the past few posts I’ve sort of wandered off the main purpose for this blog (talk about life with ADD) so I’m going to talk a little about how the diagnosis has shed some light on why I’ve traveled the road that I have. One of the mysteries its solved especially pertains to my education.
I’ve been told that less than 20% of people with ADD ever graduate high school, let alone college. So I feel extremely fortunate to have graduated from both. Still school wasn’t easy for me. Learning that I have this condition has helped shed light on why I always had to work so much harder than my fellow classmates to get the same grades. It helps reaffirm to me that I am not dumb, lazy or stupid. Granted by college, I didn’t believe I was stupid, but I did believe that most everyone around me had vastly superior intelligence. Especially at Ohio Northern, where the average ACT score for most was 25-26, (mine was 21). In a world of 1.5 gigahertz processors, I felt like mine was 512 megahertz. I could do anything else they could do, it just took me much longer to get there.
One of the things my parents and I could never figure out, was why I could do so well in social studies, history, and biology, but be horrendously bad in math. My mother was a Jr. High math teacher for many years and is so good at it, she taught herself computer programming. I can’t tell you how hard she tried to help me, how many stress filled nights we spent at the kitchen table sweating out math homework. I can’t begin to describe how aggravated and frustrated she was with me when it came to math. Its not her fault and it was only natural. But this mystery was perplexing. Clearly I wasn’t stupid, how else could you explain my good grades in everything else. But at more than one point, she felt I was being undisciplined and I felt I was just stupid. But again, I don’t think it was my parents fault that it wasn’t caught sooner. The prevailing thought about ADD at the time was that it presented itself in the form of misbehavior and horrendously bad grades. While I had some issues, I was never bad enough to throw-up a flag in anyone’s mind. I rarely acted-out in school, wasn’t running around with junkies outside of school, and was in most respects a well adjusted child.
I do remember a tear filled conversation Mom had with me, when I briefly went back to college to peruse a second degree in biomedical electronics. Two weeks into a level one trigonometry course, Mom spent three hours trying to help me grasp the basic concepts. With tears in her eyes, she had to tell me, “Mike I’m sorry but since you’re struggling so badly with this stuff, you need to reconsider doing this. If you were my student, I’d have to say you probably aren’t cut out for this major. It only gets far more complicated from here. And it hurts me badly to have to tell you that”.
Even in the subjects I was good at, I had to work so hard. What took most students minutes to grasp, took me hours and days. How I even got through college, let alone managed to eek out modest success, is a mystery to me knowing what I know now. But it does explain why my GPA was so herky-jerky or erratic. Always the same cycle, I’d do extremely well one quarter only to barely scrape-by the next. When I did well, it was because I worked so intensely hard, that I had nothing left to give the following quarter. All are very typical of someone with ADD. Furthermore, I did best when I had a very heavy course load. It forced me to micromanage my time and multiple subjects helped stimulate my interests and not allow me to become bored and lethargic. If I was only taking the minimum twelve credit hours, it was very easy to procrastinate. Since I only had a few subjects, there wasn’t enough variety to keep my interest. Usually the reason I was taking a light course load, was that I was taking a difficult math or science course and didn’t want to further add to my stress. Knowing what I do now, I realize that this logic only added to my stress actually.
It also has helped me make sense of why my study methods were always so unorthodox. Look at some of my previous posts if you want to know more. But one thing that occurred to me, was why I could never study in the dorms or my apartment. If I had serious studying to do, I went to the library, or found an empty classroom in the political science building. There was too much noise in the dorms and it not only prevented me from studying, but also made me very irritable. Mouse farts can startle me and make me jump 50 feet in the air. When I got my own apartment to get away from this, there were too many distractions and time draining temptations to allow for effective studying.
ADD has also helped shed light on why I’ve had the job history that I have. In the past I’d get bored with the job after six months, and because I was daydreaming, I’d suddenly become very mistake prone which lead to overall poor performance and put me on bad standing with my employer. Granted because of poor social skills and a short-fused, super intense temper, I had usually fallen out of favor with them long ago. Now, I know to find ways to stay motivated and interested and self awareness has helped me get my temper in check. I still struggle with social skills, but I’m getting there. I’ve been very fortunate with my current employer because the last two managers I’ve had, have been very receptive and responsive to my needs. I applaud both of them in fact for being very open minded. I simply went to them and said “I have ADD this is something I was diagnosed with 6 months ago. Its not an excuse, and I don’t want the standards or expectations lowered for me. But can you help me with developing more positive relationships with my co-workers ? Its typical of people with ADD to struggle with these issues”. Both of them are extremely strong in this area and have been able to help me grow and improve. I feel very lucky to have managers who’ve been so supportive. Some co-workers have even commented that they’ve notices a big change.
Learning about my condition has helped me understand why I struggle when it comes to basic life skills. Its typical of us, to put off paying bills until we get the disconnect notice from the power or gas company even if we have the money to pay. Explain the impulsiveness when it comes to making big purchases that we can’t actually afford. And like before, with self awareness comes self improvement. My apartment is 50 times cleaner now than it once was, you’ll see note pads, pens, and calculators stationed in several strategic places to help me stay organized, and post-it notes everywhere. My computer, cell phone, and stove timers chime repeatedly throughout the day to remind me about one thing or another. I also use two alarm clocks and if I need to get-up especially early for something especially important, I’ll improvise four.
I think most of all, knowing and understanding about my condition, has allowed me to be more comfortable being me. I know that I need to continue to improve in the areas where I am weak. However, I no longer feel like I’m dumb, stupid or lazy. I can accept that I’m prone to struggle when it comes to certain things and seek to get better, without feeling bad about it. I’m more comfortable with being me and wearing my own skin.
Okay, enough for now. Until next time, this is the RedHeaded Rambler, signing off.
I’ve been told that less than 20% of people with ADD ever graduate high school, let alone college. So I feel extremely fortunate to have graduated from both. Still school wasn’t easy for me. Learning that I have this condition has helped shed light on why I always had to work so much harder than my fellow classmates to get the same grades. It helps reaffirm to me that I am not dumb, lazy or stupid. Granted by college, I didn’t believe I was stupid, but I did believe that most everyone around me had vastly superior intelligence. Especially at Ohio Northern, where the average ACT score for most was 25-26, (mine was 21). In a world of 1.5 gigahertz processors, I felt like mine was 512 megahertz. I could do anything else they could do, it just took me much longer to get there.
One of the things my parents and I could never figure out, was why I could do so well in social studies, history, and biology, but be horrendously bad in math. My mother was a Jr. High math teacher for many years and is so good at it, she taught herself computer programming. I can’t tell you how hard she tried to help me, how many stress filled nights we spent at the kitchen table sweating out math homework. I can’t begin to describe how aggravated and frustrated she was with me when it came to math. Its not her fault and it was only natural. But this mystery was perplexing. Clearly I wasn’t stupid, how else could you explain my good grades in everything else. But at more than one point, she felt I was being undisciplined and I felt I was just stupid. But again, I don’t think it was my parents fault that it wasn’t caught sooner. The prevailing thought about ADD at the time was that it presented itself in the form of misbehavior and horrendously bad grades. While I had some issues, I was never bad enough to throw-up a flag in anyone’s mind. I rarely acted-out in school, wasn’t running around with junkies outside of school, and was in most respects a well adjusted child.
I do remember a tear filled conversation Mom had with me, when I briefly went back to college to peruse a second degree in biomedical electronics. Two weeks into a level one trigonometry course, Mom spent three hours trying to help me grasp the basic concepts. With tears in her eyes, she had to tell me, “Mike I’m sorry but since you’re struggling so badly with this stuff, you need to reconsider doing this. If you were my student, I’d have to say you probably aren’t cut out for this major. It only gets far more complicated from here. And it hurts me badly to have to tell you that”.
Even in the subjects I was good at, I had to work so hard. What took most students minutes to grasp, took me hours and days. How I even got through college, let alone managed to eek out modest success, is a mystery to me knowing what I know now. But it does explain why my GPA was so herky-jerky or erratic. Always the same cycle, I’d do extremely well one quarter only to barely scrape-by the next. When I did well, it was because I worked so intensely hard, that I had nothing left to give the following quarter. All are very typical of someone with ADD. Furthermore, I did best when I had a very heavy course load. It forced me to micromanage my time and multiple subjects helped stimulate my interests and not allow me to become bored and lethargic. If I was only taking the minimum twelve credit hours, it was very easy to procrastinate. Since I only had a few subjects, there wasn’t enough variety to keep my interest. Usually the reason I was taking a light course load, was that I was taking a difficult math or science course and didn’t want to further add to my stress. Knowing what I do now, I realize that this logic only added to my stress actually.
It also has helped me make sense of why my study methods were always so unorthodox. Look at some of my previous posts if you want to know more. But one thing that occurred to me, was why I could never study in the dorms or my apartment. If I had serious studying to do, I went to the library, or found an empty classroom in the political science building. There was too much noise in the dorms and it not only prevented me from studying, but also made me very irritable. Mouse farts can startle me and make me jump 50 feet in the air. When I got my own apartment to get away from this, there were too many distractions and time draining temptations to allow for effective studying.
ADD has also helped shed light on why I’ve had the job history that I have. In the past I’d get bored with the job after six months, and because I was daydreaming, I’d suddenly become very mistake prone which lead to overall poor performance and put me on bad standing with my employer. Granted because of poor social skills and a short-fused, super intense temper, I had usually fallen out of favor with them long ago. Now, I know to find ways to stay motivated and interested and self awareness has helped me get my temper in check. I still struggle with social skills, but I’m getting there. I’ve been very fortunate with my current employer because the last two managers I’ve had, have been very receptive and responsive to my needs. I applaud both of them in fact for being very open minded. I simply went to them and said “I have ADD this is something I was diagnosed with 6 months ago. Its not an excuse, and I don’t want the standards or expectations lowered for me. But can you help me with developing more positive relationships with my co-workers ? Its typical of people with ADD to struggle with these issues”. Both of them are extremely strong in this area and have been able to help me grow and improve. I feel very lucky to have managers who’ve been so supportive. Some co-workers have even commented that they’ve notices a big change.
Learning about my condition has helped me understand why I struggle when it comes to basic life skills. Its typical of us, to put off paying bills until we get the disconnect notice from the power or gas company even if we have the money to pay. Explain the impulsiveness when it comes to making big purchases that we can’t actually afford. And like before, with self awareness comes self improvement. My apartment is 50 times cleaner now than it once was, you’ll see note pads, pens, and calculators stationed in several strategic places to help me stay organized, and post-it notes everywhere. My computer, cell phone, and stove timers chime repeatedly throughout the day to remind me about one thing or another. I also use two alarm clocks and if I need to get-up especially early for something especially important, I’ll improvise four.
I think most of all, knowing and understanding about my condition, has allowed me to be more comfortable being me. I know that I need to continue to improve in the areas where I am weak. However, I no longer feel like I’m dumb, stupid or lazy. I can accept that I’m prone to struggle when it comes to certain things and seek to get better, without feeling bad about it. I’m more comfortable with being me and wearing my own skin.
Okay, enough for now. Until next time, this is the RedHeaded Rambler, signing off.
16 December 2009
14 December 2009
More stories about cleaning ADD style
Wonder whatever happened to Bookman Old Style the font ? I loved it because it was the only font that could stretch a paper typed using Times New Roman, from 4 pages long to 6 pages long, maybe even 7 if you moved the font from 12 to 12.5. Granted it made my term papers look like children’s books, but still I got the A. Before we get too much farther remember standard disclosures under the “About Me” section apply as always.
Anyhow, sorry I haven’t written in a while. Got busy with visiting dignitaries and during the confusion forgot to take my ADD medication. I’m amazed at how I am without it !! Between the super cold weather we had on my last days off, and the lack of stimulant medication, it took extreme mental effort just to roll out of bed for 4 hours and clean myself. If it weren’t for the rather extreme build-up of BO propelling my strong desire for a shower, I’d probably be full bed sores and dust mites by now. Not unlike the hibernation habits of many mammals found north of the Mason-Dixon Line I guess. It was interesting to note the differences in my personality. With the medication, I’m a relatively “normal” person, without it, I’m a walking zombie (so long as I don’t have anyone to pick a fight with) who doesn’t even want to engage in my favorite hobby: surfing the internet. Or I’m a ticking bomb spoiling for a fight, which releases adrenalin stimulating my frontal cortex. Games we ADD people play !! I once got into a yelling match because some lady called me “Sir” at the grocery store !! I had somehow convinced myself that she was implying I was old !! Don’t miss those days.
Well getting on with the topic listed, I learned about an important thing to dust while my Mother was visiting. You see I have several cream-colored lamp shades with a curved ridge texture. Who’d have thought about dust building-up in those things, and not just a little either !! I’m talking about enough to put a coal processing plant to shame !!!! Here’s how I made this discovery.
Mom and I were relaxing and sipping coco after a wonderful evening at the Columbus Zoo Light Festival (a MUST see and a perfect and low cost family event if you live in the Central Ohio Area by the way). Mom set her cup down on a end table to get something from the kitchen. While she was up, I noticed a fly of all things crawling up the lamp shade. Hark, this offensive sight must be dispatched immediately least my mother see the unsanitary conditions of my apartment !!!! So I grabbed a newspaper to swat it, little realizing I was about to put my lack of cleanliness prowess on full display. Simultaneously, I swat the fly smacking the lampshade, just as my mother returns from the kitchen and walks-up beside me. The resulting dust-explosion made Mom and I look like chimneysweeps from the 1900’s after a 16 hour day ! And yeah, the coco was contaminated beyond the point of consumption too.
To my mother’s credit, she didn’t get mad. In fact she laughed so hard, she cried ! I think she almost peed her pants and choked from uncontrollable laughter while curled-up in the fetal position of my living room !! I was confused by all these different and very unexpected calls to my brain to respond initially. Neither the dust explosion or my mother’s reaction were what I expected to come from this process, and the switchboard to my brain was overloaded. I didn’t know whether I should continue to pursue the fly, start cleaning the dust which had covered everything within ten feet of the lamp, get angry with my mother, clean off my glasses ? Decisions, decisions, decisions hhhmmm !!!
Well, it immediately became clear to me, that my eye glasses had to be cleared and a battle damage assessment taken before anything else took place. After wiping several layers of crud from them, my mom had recovered from her laughing spell long enough to show me how to use the vacuum to clean-up the dust. She also supervised my vacuuming of the rest of my dust-shades I mean lampshades to help prevent another such causality in the future. So for all you ADD bachelors out there, grab your vacuum, put the brush attachment on it, and clean the dust from those lights, next time you pull that particular device out of the shed. Better still, print off a copy of this article right now, and go tape it to the handle. You’re certain to forget it otherwise.
Until next time, this is the RedHeaded Rambler signing off.
Anyhow, sorry I haven’t written in a while. Got busy with visiting dignitaries and during the confusion forgot to take my ADD medication. I’m amazed at how I am without it !! Between the super cold weather we had on my last days off, and the lack of stimulant medication, it took extreme mental effort just to roll out of bed for 4 hours and clean myself. If it weren’t for the rather extreme build-up of BO propelling my strong desire for a shower, I’d probably be full bed sores and dust mites by now. Not unlike the hibernation habits of many mammals found north of the Mason-Dixon Line I guess. It was interesting to note the differences in my personality. With the medication, I’m a relatively “normal” person, without it, I’m a walking zombie (so long as I don’t have anyone to pick a fight with) who doesn’t even want to engage in my favorite hobby: surfing the internet. Or I’m a ticking bomb spoiling for a fight, which releases adrenalin stimulating my frontal cortex. Games we ADD people play !! I once got into a yelling match because some lady called me “Sir” at the grocery store !! I had somehow convinced myself that she was implying I was old !! Don’t miss those days.
Well getting on with the topic listed, I learned about an important thing to dust while my Mother was visiting. You see I have several cream-colored lamp shades with a curved ridge texture. Who’d have thought about dust building-up in those things, and not just a little either !! I’m talking about enough to put a coal processing plant to shame !!!! Here’s how I made this discovery.
Mom and I were relaxing and sipping coco after a wonderful evening at the Columbus Zoo Light Festival (a MUST see and a perfect and low cost family event if you live in the Central Ohio Area by the way). Mom set her cup down on a end table to get something from the kitchen. While she was up, I noticed a fly of all things crawling up the lamp shade. Hark, this offensive sight must be dispatched immediately least my mother see the unsanitary conditions of my apartment !!!! So I grabbed a newspaper to swat it, little realizing I was about to put my lack of cleanliness prowess on full display. Simultaneously, I swat the fly smacking the lampshade, just as my mother returns from the kitchen and walks-up beside me. The resulting dust-explosion made Mom and I look like chimneysweeps from the 1900’s after a 16 hour day ! And yeah, the coco was contaminated beyond the point of consumption too.
To my mother’s credit, she didn’t get mad. In fact she laughed so hard, she cried ! I think she almost peed her pants and choked from uncontrollable laughter while curled-up in the fetal position of my living room !! I was confused by all these different and very unexpected calls to my brain to respond initially. Neither the dust explosion or my mother’s reaction were what I expected to come from this process, and the switchboard to my brain was overloaded. I didn’t know whether I should continue to pursue the fly, start cleaning the dust which had covered everything within ten feet of the lamp, get angry with my mother, clean off my glasses ? Decisions, decisions, decisions hhhmmm !!!
Well, it immediately became clear to me, that my eye glasses had to be cleared and a battle damage assessment taken before anything else took place. After wiping several layers of crud from them, my mom had recovered from her laughing spell long enough to show me how to use the vacuum to clean-up the dust. She also supervised my vacuuming of the rest of my dust-shades I mean lampshades to help prevent another such causality in the future. So for all you ADD bachelors out there, grab your vacuum, put the brush attachment on it, and clean the dust from those lights, next time you pull that particular device out of the shed. Better still, print off a copy of this article right now, and go tape it to the handle. You’re certain to forget it otherwise.
Until next time, this is the RedHeaded Rambler signing off.
05 December 2009
What kind of Women I'm into
I started filling this free personals ad type thing out on my myspace account today and realized it'd make a good blog entry. It asked for an in depth answer describing what kind of women you wanted to meet. If you ever wondered: here it is. As usual remember disclaimer under "About Me" section
I love independent confident women. They don't intimidate me, well sometimes they do :) Who wants to date a wallflower anyhow ? May as well go out with a toy doll if that's what you are into. I find intelligence very sexy.
I think more so now than ever before, its very important to me to find someone who is confident and comfortable wearing the skin they are in. Confidence is VERY sexy to me. Sure we all carry some emotional baggage and have our quirks. I learned long ago no one is perfect. I don't care who you were in the past, only who you are now. While I don't have any deep dark secrets, there are things in my past that I would have handled differently if given the choice again.
I have just come off a hard patch myself, so I understand what its like. While I'm not about to raise my hand in a victory dance, it is safe to say I'm in a much better place now, than I've ever been in my life. God has blessed me greatly through all the people he's put in my life along the way. Wouldn't want to do it again, but I am much stronger and a much better person for having made the trip.
I only bring this up because its become a part of my identity and who I am. I can only be me. While I'd like to think I'm always on a quest to grow and improve as a person, whether I succeed or not, I'll still be me, Mike A. I see in many profiles about women not wanting a person who "plays games". I'm not about to give a worn out line about how I"m different. But do understand because of what I described in the paragraph before, its just not in me to engage in "reindeer games" and likewise I don't have much stomach for women playing mind games with me either. I learned I cannot lie, so I quit trying awhile ago. I've leaned through years of working in customer service how to spot most people who lie too, and that its best to steer clear of them rather than confront them.
My friends know be to be loyal to a fault, someone who is not scared to stick my neck out for someone I feel is being wronged or deserves a second chance. One of my catch phrases is "If they are going to yell at someone, let them yell at me. Besides they'll find the line long and distinguished". But I no longer walk around hanging my jaw out looking for a fight either. I've been told that I'm more sensitive than I try to appear, and that I'm a very good listener who doesn't give the impression of being so. Part of that has to do with what I mentioned a paragraph earlier. But I'll let you ask me that if you care to know and only after you've told me all there is to know about you.
As I'm swimming through these moments of reflective thought, I often enjoy listening to music. Other than a dislike for almost all things rap, my tastes in music are very diverse. The first one I've chosen has to do with where I was.
November Rain
Guns N Roses | MySpace Music Videos
Lastly Here's one that has always been a favorite of mine because I interpret it to be about new beginnings, and that's what's kind of on my mind right now. Enjoy
HERE I GO AGAIN
valentin | MySpace Video
Until next time, this is the RedHeaded Rambler Signing off.
I love independent confident women. They don't intimidate me, well sometimes they do :) Who wants to date a wallflower anyhow ? May as well go out with a toy doll if that's what you are into. I find intelligence very sexy.
I think more so now than ever before, its very important to me to find someone who is confident and comfortable wearing the skin they are in. Confidence is VERY sexy to me. Sure we all carry some emotional baggage and have our quirks. I learned long ago no one is perfect. I don't care who you were in the past, only who you are now. While I don't have any deep dark secrets, there are things in my past that I would have handled differently if given the choice again.
I have just come off a hard patch myself, so I understand what its like. While I'm not about to raise my hand in a victory dance, it is safe to say I'm in a much better place now, than I've ever been in my life. God has blessed me greatly through all the people he's put in my life along the way. Wouldn't want to do it again, but I am much stronger and a much better person for having made the trip.
I only bring this up because its become a part of my identity and who I am. I can only be me. While I'd like to think I'm always on a quest to grow and improve as a person, whether I succeed or not, I'll still be me, Mike A. I see in many profiles about women not wanting a person who "plays games". I'm not about to give a worn out line about how I"m different. But do understand because of what I described in the paragraph before, its just not in me to engage in "reindeer games" and likewise I don't have much stomach for women playing mind games with me either. I learned I cannot lie, so I quit trying awhile ago. I've leaned through years of working in customer service how to spot most people who lie too, and that its best to steer clear of them rather than confront them.
My friends know be to be loyal to a fault, someone who is not scared to stick my neck out for someone I feel is being wronged or deserves a second chance. One of my catch phrases is "If they are going to yell at someone, let them yell at me. Besides they'll find the line long and distinguished". But I no longer walk around hanging my jaw out looking for a fight either. I've been told that I'm more sensitive than I try to appear, and that I'm a very good listener who doesn't give the impression of being so. Part of that has to do with what I mentioned a paragraph earlier. But I'll let you ask me that if you care to know and only after you've told me all there is to know about you.
As I'm swimming through these moments of reflective thought, I often enjoy listening to music. Other than a dislike for almost all things rap, my tastes in music are very diverse. The first one I've chosen has to do with where I was.
November Rain
Guns N Roses | MySpace Music Videos
Lastly Here's one that has always been a favorite of mine because I interpret it to be about new beginnings, and that's what's kind of on my mind right now. Enjoy
HERE I GO AGAIN
valentin | MySpace Video
Until next time, this is the RedHeaded Rambler Signing off.
04 December 2009
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