Healing old wounds

Healing old wounds

As you know by now, the disclosure found under my “About Me” section applies as always.

I spoke about perusing this in my first article of the year. Well I want to assure you that this is not merely an idea spurred by the emotions of the moment that fell by the wayside and no follow through.

To update you, I've been exploring the idea of therapy for a while now, and have just been waiting for my next doctor appointment this coming week to discuss options.

As luck would have it, I backed into an opportunity to heal a wound that had been hurting me for years. You see, it was back in 2002 while on an active-duty, stateside deployment that I became convinced that I needed help. Some of the things that we dealt with in terms of stress and my feeling about the deployment truly brought out the worst in me. I have never felt good about how I acted and how I was during this deployment. Its a burden of guilt and remorse that I've been carrying with me for a very long time, and its something that even eight years latter I think of several times a week.

Anyhow, purely by chance I came across a reunion group website for members of my old unit. Through this I easily spent over 30 hours reconnecting with long lost friends. It has been a very wonderful thing being able to reconnect with them, and as I posted repeatedly on my facebook page, I now understand what the author of the phrase “The older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.” was talking about.

I posted a letter on the site which I am about to share with you. But before I do, I want to qualify my remarks. I state and restate this repeatedly because it is some important to me that all people but ESPECIALLY veterans understand. I do not seek to portray myself out to be anything more than I am. I served stateside at Ft. Knox. All things considered, it was a relatively cushy mission compared to what all of our brave soldiers where and are doing overseas. I hold those who sacrificed so much more than me in high respect and reverence. I don't want to insult them by acting like I was some kind of hard core Audie Murphy who seen and done it all. It is a manner of personal honor to me to not do this. Plus no one can stand that guy at the end of the bar at the VFW who talks like he spent six years in the woods wasting VC but you later find he out only drove the Sergeant Major around the base in Asshole Arkansas and was later medically discharge for stubbing his toe walking into the NCO club after 6 months in the service. I do not want to ever be that guy.

So without further ado here it is.

First and foremost I want to thank the creators of this page. It has allowed me to get in contact with so many long lost friends that I assumed I would probably never see again once I left the military.

More so than anything, it has allowed me to get in contact with some of the soldiers and veterans who saw and had to deal with me when I was at my absolute worst as a human being, to ask (and thankfully receive) forgiveness for how I acted during that deployment. I have realized for a long time that during that deployment I was what I hate more so than anything: an extremely selfish & snot-nosed punk. I've thought about those days so many times and carried around deep feelings of guilt and embarrassment for how I acted, for easily 7+ years. To get some closure on this, has been a great relief for me.

One more remark qualification before launching into my next point. I don't see or seek to use the medical conditions I have as an excuse for anything. I hold myself responsible for my own actions and expect myself to adhere to the same standards of ethics and morals that everyone else holds themselves accountable to. The knowledge of my conditions only helps shed light on why I found certain things more challenging than others did.

My point. I've come to realize that the main reason I acted like such a bitter, angry punk during that deployment had a large part to do with feelings of shame and embarrassment for not serving overseas and truly going into harms way, while many of our 11 Bravo brothers were fighting and dieing over there. Clearly, I did not handle these feelings well.

The feelings only intensified for me when I left in 2003. Not many people know that the decision not to re-enlist actually was a very difficult decision for me because of those feelings and the knowledge even then, that I would be saying good-by to some of the best and closest friends I would ever have. The other secret that no one really knew about, was that in reality I could not re-enlist. No I didn't get a bar-to-re-enlist. But I was at high risk of getting one come the next physical.

My psychiatric problems had become very obvious towards the end of the deployment. So much so, that Cepek and the company commander actually ordered me to get some help out of concern for my welfare. Unfortunately the Army had very little to offer in the way of treatment, and that dept was really geared finding and discharging soldiers that the Army felt they could no longer trust with weapons. There was no way I was going to be truthful with the doctors once I realized this. However, I did make a promise to myself to get help through the civilian world once we got back home.

So while it wouldn't actually be until about Sept 2009 that I would finally get the correct treatment that has had the effect of changing my life for the better. I did go to a doctor when we got home and was on anti-depressant medications starting as early as Dec 2002. Because of this fact, if and when the 148th did get the call to deploy again, I would have been faced with getting tagged as medically undeployable at best, or medically discharged at worst. I had looked into this at great length and found no way around it. And that made me feel like much less of a man to put it mildly.

Its really only been within the last year or so that I've come to realize that I should feel no shame in not serving in Afghanistan or Iraq. As soldiers, seldom do we get to chose our missions. We only get to chose to serve and serve honorably. That while I may not have heard a shot fired in anger, I should feel some pride in the fact that I did get the opportunity to serve in some capacity. That there is some honor and pride to be had in being able to say that "I was among the first ones to answer the call to serve after the 9-11 tragedy" and no one can take that away from me.

Again, not in anyway trying to make myself or events out to be more than they are. I'm just saying we should take a little pride in what little we did do on that deployment. But its taken me a very long time to realize this.

To all the Shavers I have known

To All The Shavers I Have Known

Y'all know the disclaimers in my “About me” applies to everything I write about here as always.

For as far as I've come with my ADD recovery periodically I'm reminded that I still have room to grow. Shortly before the flue bug gave me a wall-to-wall-counseling-statement as my sergeant like to call them, I stumbled across the subject of this article. At the time I was scouring my apartment for a new tooth brush because I didn't feel like venturing out in -10F temperatures to go buy one. So I was really digging around in seldom used drawers when I came across this. 

Well actually not all that, just the three electric shavers you see. Here's the deal, I'm a closet or I guess formerly closeted gadget geek as you've probably inferred from all my prior articles. Seems like at least once a year, I go through a shaving gear phase. Its always been funny to me as well as something of a mystery as well. You see, I don't have much facial hair, and can barely grow a mustache, let alone a goatee, and long ago gave-up any ideas of a beard. So why on earth would someone like me, by their late 20's have already owned eight electric shavers and seven sets of trimmers (actually eight sets of clippers if you count the set I convinced Dad to buy for the dog) ? Well the trimmers I simply have no answer for, save for the fact that three of them revolve around a recent warranty exchange I got the loosing end on and don't care to discuss in such a public forum.

There are actually several reasons why I've owned so many electric shavers, but for the last six or so years, its been a relatively simple answer that also applies to the far less number of blade razors I've owned. Once a year, I go to buy a set of replacement blades for my most recently acquired shaving device only to find the difference in price between a new set of blades (ridiculously expensive REGARDLESS of the make or manufacturer) and a whole new shaver, is only marginal. Unhappy with this and wanting to stick it to The Man, I always opt to buy a new shaver rationing that their profit margin on a new shaver is much slimmer than their profit margin on replacement blades for the shaver. Seriously, last time around, I went to buy a set of blades for one of the machines, shown in the picture, and it was going to cost me $25 and I only paid $30 for the device AND blades barely a year before !! Think you'll get off easier by using a regular blade razor ? Sorry to burst your bubble but a pack of the good generic disposables is going to run you between $10-$15 and lasts ME barely three months, so you're looking at $40 a year for the razors, and you'll probably want some shaving gel to go with them at about $5-$8 a can. A good friend and I were talking about it the other day and he's of a strong opinion that this type of expense is a big reason why facial hair has come back in style with men in the last few years. I think he's right !!!

Again this is funny if you know me. For one, a quick look at my finances for...Well for my entire adult life... nnoo that's too subjective, lets say if you reviewed my finances since I left home the first time; you'd know that its only been here in the last year I'd ever spent money responsibly. So why would I always be so concerned with it, when it comes to shaving ? Probably its just how I was able to talk myself into buying another electric toy I guess. Even then, that still doesn't really answer the question fully. For all my lack of interest in cleaning, WHY razors ?

Well those who really know me, know that for all my lack of interests in cleaning, I've always been a stickler for personal hygiene. Laundry could build-up for weeks and months, dishes could go unwashed till Rapture comes, but I will and have ALWAYS meticulously attended to matters of personal hygiene. Falling down drunk, I'd still manage to run a tooth brush through my mouth before passing out. So it does make sense to me from that viewpoint. I don't think its a coincidence that my shaver phase always comes during the winter either. The cold, damp weather of Ohio makes my pasty-white skin dry and painful. So using a blade razor is much less desirable at this point in the year, making an electric the best option.

My shaving phase was extended this year because on 1 Jan, I decided to quit outsourcing a haircare chore, that I've always left to professionals in the past. It was quite unplanned but without question will save me a lot of money every year. Wanna hint ?

You got it !! I decided to start cutting my own hair. It wasn't a New Years resolution or anything. On that particular day, I'd been too long overdue for a haircut, could not stand it any longer, and with all barbers closed for the holiday, I was forced to take matters into my own hands. Here was that extra big guide comb for my beard trimmers just tempting me, and I said “To hell with it, I can just shave it all off if I botch it. You only live once”. It was surprisingly easy, and being that I've already paid for the equipment, and have been spending $20-$25 a month on hair cuts, I'll save at least $240 a year by continuing to do so.

Okay, time to get this wrapped-up. One more story, third funniest story involving me and shaving equipment, the other two are still classified top secret to protect the innocent and infamous. Freshman year of college I was walking baa... you know what, I better not post that story. So instead I'll tell about one of the incidents in a chain of events involving the funniest/craziest story that involves me and shaving gear. Once I shaved my eyebrows off, even went so far as to get a straight razor, shaving foam, and do it right. You'd be surprised how many people that will get you noticed by. I'm willing to bet over a dozen people threw their backs out doing a double take as I walked by. But that's only a very small part of the story and wasn't even close to being the craziest or dumbest thing that happened that night so I'm gonna stop there.

This is the RedHeaded Rambler signing off.

Sorry its been so long, I'm bbaaccckkk

Man I HATE FLUE SEASON !!

For as far as I've come with my ADD recovery periodically I'm reminded that I still have room to grow. Which is a long way of saying, I screwed-up by not posting anything in a while and I'm sorry. I don't have a good excuse but I'm about to waste your time with a bad one anyhow :)

I spent my last weekend fighting the flue bug that involved a fever fluctuating from 102-104 degrees and all the screwy dreams and hallucinations that go with. In fact, last weekend felt like a real life portrayal of the movie Fear and Loathing in Las-Vegas, and its taken most of this past week to put the pieces back together.

Rather funny what you do when you when you're in a situation like that. Like a lot of guys I'm rather pitiful when I'm sick with a cold. My nose is usually smeared ointment and red as a fire engine, and I'm usually found lounging on the couch or bed surrounded by several metric tons of tissues. I never realized how many tissues I actually use til I went to clean-up things this past Sunday and it took two 12gallon bags to remove them all !!

Somewhere in the midst of the fever induced bouts of hallucinations and unconsciousness I called my mother. She lives three hours away so its not like she can really do anything, but even at the age of 30 when a boy is sick, he instinctively feels a need for his mommy !!! According to the thermometer I'd been running a fever of over 103 degrees for nearly 11 hours and wanted to get a second opinion before going to the hospital and unleashing the crap storm that would go with that decision. I've had a couple of friends make that mistake this year already and found themselves quarantined, very much against their will, for several days. Who can afford to miss that much work ? So I guess in hindsight, getting a second opinion was rather prudent given that I wasn't in a position to fully make a sound decision. To Mom's credit, she did help me out quite a bit, and her maternal instincts have not weakened a bit. She was very concerned.

The conversation was somewhat funny. Her first question “What is your temp at right this moment ?” UUHHH I hadn't thought to look at that, so I check, which was quick being that I was using one of those IR deals that you hold to your ear and click the button on. 102 degrees. So mom says okay well its close, check it using the other ear now, Okay that's a reasonable request. So I do, 104.5 degrees this time. To which Mom says “has it been giving you readouts that vary this much the whole time ?” I have to think about it for a couple minutes. Finally I figure out how to check the thing's memory and sure enough it has. “Mike you've got a bad thermometer, I know there is a pharmacy around the corner from you, go ask the pharmacist to help you pick out a reliable one but DO NOT tell them you are worried about H1N1, don't even hint that its crossed your mind !! Bring it back, check your temp with it twice in a row, write down the results, and call me back with them”. UUHH ? “Okay clearly the cold medicine is working on you, your gauge not working, go get another one and recheck and please don't worry me by taking two hours to call back”. OH Okay, you make good sense Mom ! Wonder why I didn't think about that earlier “Because you favor your Father's side of the family more than mine, tic, toc, go get this done before you fall asleep again sunshine and get some 7-UP and chicken soup while you're there ”. I'm glad I talked to her, because upon returning with a better thermometer, I was much relieved to learn my temp was actually closer to 100-101 and this device's readouts only varied by two tenths of a degree. But I had to check it about eight times to convince myself of this as well has have dear mommy assure me that was a good thing and I could put my fears of having to go to the hospital to bed.

Always seems like with the flue I fall asleep watching some screwed-up show that creates images in my head when I float in and out of sleep throughout the day. I think this last time it was the worst of the worst though. Some documentary about Oswald and the spooky characters he associated with. Freaking thing caused me to have nightmares all week. At one point, a leg cramp woke me up from a dead sleep and in the confusion of one of these whacked-out dreams I was rousted from, I spun around thinking David Ferrie was coming for me ! Don't Google that guy, it'll REALLY creep you out by the way.

Thankfully, I'm pretty well healed-up now, just recouping my strength from the ordeal, and I hope to have more posts on here soon.

Again, I'm sorry I haven't been keeping up with this lately, but stay tuned, there will be more and much more worthwhile posts coming soon.

Until next time, this is the RedHeaded Rambler, signing off

Congratulations Buckeyes

Congratulations Buckeyes !!

Please excuse me for going off topic with this one. But I’d be remise if I didn’t take a moment to tip my cap to the one and only sports team I follow with serious interest.

I believe I’ve elaborated before about what Buckeye Football means to me and my family & friends. Its very serious stuff and is as much a part of our family culture and identity as our last name. You see my hometown of Farmer, Ohio as the name suggests is very much an agricultural community and my high school last I checked, is one of the last that still has a FFA (Future Farmers of America) program and 4-H clubs still abound. THE Ohio State University was formed as an agricultural college and still has one of the top AG (Agricultural) programs in the nation. So with such ties, its only natural that if you grew-up in that area and intended to go to college, OSU was the most logical choice. Many of those alumni came back home to roost after graduation, so while there are far fewer kids from the area intending to go into an ag related field, large numbers of them still end-up going to school at OSU. Thus the tradition continues.

Counting aunts, uncles, cousins, Dad, and myself, eight members of my family graduated from OSU. Contrary to popular belief, my mother did not. But not by choice. Her father didn’t want her to go so far away from home because she was a woman. If you ever ask her about it (and I wouldn’t), tears still well-up in her eyes as she explains why Grandpa would only let her attend Bowling Green.

But when it comes to Buckeye Football, mom is their most passionate fan. If the team is down, better stay off the land line phone least Coach T calls her for advice. He better not get a busy signal when he dials !! So intense is her love of Buckeye football it’s a (very affectionate) joke within the family. She literally got kicked out of her own home one day for being too obnoxious during a game. An uncle told her to get out !! She was three steps out the door when she realized “This is my house. Why am I leaving ?”, went back in, and had a curt talk with my father who very laughingly told his in-law that he’d been overruled Mom was staying. If she was too much, Dad would be willing to drive him down to the local bar to watch the game but NOT before half time. Ironically that Uncle’s daughters would both end-up graduating with all manner of academic accolades from THE Ohio State University. One of his daughters scheduled her wedding on opening day of OSU Football season several decades later. At one point during the reception, Dad asked my sister and I to find Mom for some sort of dance. We both laughed till we cried when we found her. Among the 35-40 men crowed around the small TV at the bar, was my 5ft 90lb mother in the seat closest to the TV. We went back and told Dad he’d have to wait till half time to dance, the score was too close !!

As for this game. Don’t worry, I’m going to tone down the comments I’ve been making on my Facebook page. Those were reserved only for fellow Buckeye fans who wouldn’t be turned-off by them. However like most Buckeye fans, I’m certainly no fan of ESPN’s college football commentators either. Boom there it is, off my chest, I feel much better now.

Congratulations to THE Ohio State Buckeyes. Terrelle you did us proud today ! The talking heads and people who called in to their talk shows have been hard on you this year. The media in Columbus has run you ragged. So much so that if you read and listened to everything, you’d have thought they were talking about an NFL quarterback not an unpaid student athlete who isn’t even old enough to drink !! I personally was taken back by it all and can only imagine how it made you feel. You handled it much better than I would have had I been in your shoes, and I applaud you for how you dealt with it all. Now no one can criticize you for your play. To make all those runs on a bum knee, WOW !! You had more grass stains on your jersey at the end of the game than the running backs and linebackers combined. You played with passion, you played with heart, you showed the fire of a true competitor. High school and Jr. High football coaches should show their teams the tape of this game and point to your performance as an example of how to play the game. A grateful Buckeye Nation is in your debt !!

Coach Tressel A grateful Buckeye Nation is also in your debt !! You too have been under constant criticism this year. They clobbered you in the media the one time you barked back and you didn’t even bark that much. It reminded me of how Mr. Rodgers might respond after stubbing his toe and wasn’t remotely close to the big deal the media made it to be. Thank you for showing us yet again why the State of Ohio loves you. Thank you for how you represent Alma Mater and how you respect the rich traditions of our great university. Thank you for reminding us why we say “In Tressel we trust or In T we T” anytime the game is on the line. I also compliment you for showing some emotion out there. When the Ducks took over on that key down in the fourth quarter, they cut to you and I saw the eyes of a determined competitor out there and knew everything was going to be okay. You looked like you could go out there without pads and take their defense on by yourself !!

To every young man who suited-up for the Scarlet and Grey this season, thank-you for giving us another fun filled season of Buckeye Football this year. You’ve done the tradition of Buckeye Football and THE Ohio State University proud. Its been a real privilege watching you this year !!

Until next time, RedHeaded Rambler signing off 

 

Photo Gallery: Ohio State vs. Oregon Rose Bowl Photo Gallery - The Ohio State Buckeyes Official Athletics Site - OhioStateBuckeyes.com

If you don't get help here, PLEASE Get help some where

Dreams are renewable. No matter what our age or condition, there are still untapped possibilities within us and new beauty waiting to be born.
- Helen Keller


I’d like to take this time to reach out to anyone struggling with mental illness but has yet to seek help.

Perhaps on reflection of the previous year, you’ve thought about getting help but haven’t. Perhaps its part of a New Year’s resolution you made.

I would like to encourage you not to put it off. Don’t wait. I know its hard I’ve been in your shoes and so have millions of other Americans. NAMI estimates 1 in 4 Americans suffer from mental illness every year. So I assure you that you are NOT alone.

Its always hard to admit you need help. Its something I struggled with accepting myself. But there is no shame. Mental Illnesses are medical conditions just like cancer, diabetes or H1N1.

Also like any other medical illness you should expect the same standards of professionalism and thoroughness. Anything less, head for the door.

Going to list a link here that will help reassure you that you are not alone. As well as a link for NAMI an organization that can help point you in the right direction as far as seeking treatment.

http://www.bringchange2mind.org

http://www.nami.org

End of Year ADD Moments

End of Year ADD Moments

I want to start off the year by laughing at someone. Specifically me. Had some ADD moments sneak in before the close of 2009 that had comical value.

When I rousted myself from bed around the crack of 3pm yesterday, it was my initial intention to head to the gym for a long walk. But before the meds could kick in, I became absorbed with a project I’m not at liberty to discuss here. Then I became side tracked exchanging emails with a very pleasant lady I met recently. Which started me on developing the New Years Letter I recently posted, then I had to take a break to surf through old music videos, then go back to my project, and before I knew it, it was 8:45pm the gym was about to close, I hadn’t eaten and needed to make a long overdue grocery run !!

While driving to the grocery I thought I’d call my Mom using my blue tooth ear piece. I became so absorbed in talking to her, that I forgot that my actual cell phone was resting in the center counsel of my vehicle. So when I parked and started heading to the entrance still in deep conversation, Mom mysteriously cut out when I got about 15 feet from the store !!

Latter on, went to start the laundry rotation. Opened the washer up and it was as if some satanic jack-in-the-box blasted me in the face. I mean I actually saw stars and WOW the smell !! For the first time in my 30 years on this earth I smelt mildew. Mildew from a damp load of laundry that my calculations estimate had been fermenting since before Christmas eve eight days prior !! Dam was I proud of myself !!

Lastly as many of you know, I’ve been shamelessly plugging this blog for three weeks. It occurred to me, that despite posting it repeatedly several times a day, I don’t have the web address memorized. I have to reference it in my favorites list and copy it from the address bar !! AAHH gotta laugh, it wouldn’t be funny if it wasn’t true.

Okay time for the next one

RedHeaded Rambler signing off

My New Years Letter

Greetings Readers/Friends.

Let me start by saying HAPPY NEW YEAR and GO BUCKEYES BEAT DUCKS !!

To my fellow alumni and fans of THE Ohio State University I say O-H !!

Alright now that I got that out of my system, want to share the gist of a letter I sent out to friends and family yesterday in various forms each tailored to personalize it to whomever it was sent. Definitely removed some things that would serve more harm than good if shared on a public forum so don't worry Mom and Dad !

Hey;

Just wanted to take a break from what I'm doing to drop you a line to wish you all HAPPY NEW YEAR !! I know 2009 was a rough time for many of you and it wasn't easy on me either.

Among the plethora of self help books I've been reading dealing with ADD and depression, one thing rings consistent. They always have a section about dealing with your "Bag of Hurts". Which essentially is referring to the events and situations of your life that have scarred and injured you spiritually and emotionally.

While our personal situations are uniquely different, I think its applicable for us all to consider reflecting on them. NOT for the sake of dwelling in the past or making excuses for why we are who we are. But rather, do so for the sake of binding-up those wounds and enabling us to move forward with an improved quality of life and a fresh start.

Consider asking for help from your "Higher Power" or whomever you call God for help and guidance. Its a big task and you'll need help from that entity to get there.

I'm going to enclose a link to a music video for a song that has always meant a lot to me. Lots of people like to make fun of it and the artist, but for me its always been very deep and emotional as I interpret it to be about new beginnings. Can't tell you how many times I've heard this song as I blasted down route 6 or us 127 heading for a new adventure. The call to active duty, freshman year of college, on my way to college graduation ceremony, move back to Columbus, the list goes on.
Whitesnake

Lastly, here's my New Years wish to all of you.

“May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields. And until we meet again, May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.”


Until next time,
RedHeaded Rambler signing off